A Comedy of Cliches
by Jewel Insert Witty Name Here
Summary: When Draco realizes he loves Hermione, will he be able to keep her from seducing Harry? How will their parts in the new school play help him? Who is this new student from America who was sorted into Gryffindor? Romance and humor collide at Hogwarts!
1. Teaser for A Comedy of Cliches

A COMEDY OF CLICHES  
A Harry Potter Fanfiction  
By Jewel

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its characters were created by JK Rowling and are copyrighted to their rightful owners. There is no copyright infringement intended by this fanfic. The style I used for writing this is an imitation of the format Lord Chaos (from the Sailor Moon fandom) uses when he's introducing a new fanfic.

_Rated R for mature content. General spoilers apply._

Summary: A Draco and Hermione romance that's bursting with cliches and hormones. Add in other whacked out couples and my off color humor, and this is what you get! (For the record, this is a parody.)

**_IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE!_**

This fanfic, "A Comedy of Cliches," was removed from FanfictionNet a couple of months ago for reasons that were never made clear to me, other than my content exceeded the level of the rating. Whatever that means. So I've edited the 'fic to clean up the spelling, fixed the random capitalization and change the rating level.

What you're about to read is just a preview for the 'fic, with scenes taken from the five chapters that I have written so far. In the next week I plan to upload the chapters that were removed, and then add the new chapters that I've written since then. Once the chapters come up, this preview will go away (though you might be able to find it at my site, I dunno)

* * *

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl, and two more boys and a Greasy Git of a Potions Master who had an abnormal fascination with the Wise Headmaster. There was also a Werewolf, a Violent Tree and a Sex Fiend House Elf, but this is not their story. And there are appearances by the Gentle Giant and an Transgender Advice Giver, but this also is not a tale about them. This, Gentle Reader, is the story about a boy and girl, a Train, two more boys, a Broom Stick Closet, a Common Room, a Large Bat and a Nosy, Matchmaking Professor. 

WHILE HORMONES CONTROL HOGWARTS

"You can't just leave me, Blaise! I gave you the best two weeks of my life!" Professor Vector near screamed.

Much more composed, Blaise, still sporting a Penis, arched an elegant Slytherin brow. "And it was a great two weeks, Professor. But it's over now."

"Found greener pastures, have you?" The Arithmancy professor asked, her lip trembling as she suppressed her tears.

"Something like that," Blaise murmured, his eyes straying to the table next to him. His gaze caught on Professor Snape, who was eating his morning porridge, oblivious to what was going on.

Finally succumbing to her tears, Professor Vector fled the room weeping, almost knocking over Mary as she entered.

AND AN ENEMY HIDES NEARBY

In the Gryffindor common room Ron and Harry and the other Seventh Year boys were talking to the transfer Student, Mary Seraphina Kali Sue. After her parents had tragically dropped dead, she had realized that far from being a spoiled brat with minimal writing talent, she was part witch, part Veela, part Mermaid. Fearing her potential power, Lord Voldemort had kidnapped her as a baby and sent her to live in New York. Now Professor Snape had adopted her and brought her to attend Hogwarts. Harry rather thought she looked a lot his mum.

As Mary told her story, the Gryffindor boys became increasingly sleepy. Eventually they fell asleep near the fireplace, leaving Mary all alone. Checking that she was truly alone, Mary tiptoed up to the Seventh Year boys' dormitory. There she began to systematically look through Harry's Trunk.

Grimacing as he pulled out a picture of a naked Draco Malfoy from between the pages of Harry's transfiguration textbook, Voldemort couldn't help but laugh a bit. In fact, he couldn't help giggling like the maniacal, evil wizard that he was.

A CERTAIN BLOND SLYTHERIN WILL DISCOVER LOVE

The past seventeen years hadn't really belonged to him. They had belonged to the body-snatchers, Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy (not necessarily in that order). But on this sunny summer morning Draco realized that he was wrong. His attitude towards muggles, mudbloods and the world in general had been completely askew.

And this soul-changing epiphany had been brought on by the life-altering realization that he loved Hermione Granger.

The last six years had been nothing more than his childish attempts to gain her attention. The hexing of her friends, the name-calling, the insults, the voyeurism, it had all been an effort to make her look and see beyond the smirk. See beyond the shiny blond hair and heart-stopping gray eyes. To see the real Draco Malfoy. The lonely child of selfish and evil and abusive parents.

This year, however, would be different. Draco realized as he hummed along to the birds' tune, that he would forever turn his back on his family and heritage. He would win Hermione's love and devotion. He would help defeat the Dark Lord and save the world. And, if there was time, have some amazing, soul-bonding sex.

AS HERMIONE DISCOVERS LIFE

At the beginning of summer, Hermione had discovered a cousin she never knew existed. One sunny July morning, Hermione's cousin Cecile, who had until then conveniently lived in Italy, came knocking on the Grangers' door. Now, Cecile was a couple of years older than Hermione, and tended to walk on the wild side more than Hermione thought fun. But Hermione was tired of being a goody-two-shoes. And thus she decided to rebel.

Hermione's first step was to slather on a good amount of her Frizz-Be-Gone Potion. Her next step was to visit a local boutique and buy some well padded bras and a pair of leather pants. And so that night, armed with a red halter top, Hermione set out with her cousin to set the town on fire.

Cecile took Hermione to a small night club and ordered the first round of drinks. Deciding no none at Hogwarts would ever find out, and her reputation would never be blackened (thusly harming her chances at being Head Girl), Hermione put aside her doubts and started throwing back drinks.

Several shots of hard liquor later, Hermione decided she was sufficiently drunk enough to get onto the dance floor. Though when leering men swarmed around her, this Author could not in good conscience call it dancing so much clothed sex.

Soon Hermione was set upon by a tall, blond man. In the dim lighting of the club, however, Hermione could not see his face clearly. But when he pulled her into his big, strong arms for a dance, Hermione certainly liked everything she felt on him.

As you can imagine, Gentle Reader, one thing led to another thing, and soon Hermione and her mystery dance partner found themselves in a dark corner of the club. Heavy breathing ensued, as well as some moaning and, of course, lots of groping.

LIMITS WILL BE TESTED

"Where've you been, Hermione?" Ron inquired.

Hermione sat beside Harry and rested her feet on the opposite bench. "Malfoy was hexing some third year Hufflepuffs."

"Lavender told us that there's a Seventh Year transfer student," Ron informed her. "Came over from the US. Really shiny, multi-colored hair."

"Oooh, what's her name?" Hermione asked.

Ron paused to think. "Sue, I think."

"No, Ron," Harry interrupted. "Her name's Mary."

"I can't wait to meet her," Hermione squealed. "I'm long over due for a new best friend. Ginny is rather unpopular among fanfiction writers. I do hope Mary, or Sue, or whatever her name is, listens to Good Charlotte!"

Harry shrugged, his glasses fogging up as he stared at Hermione's robes where they were too tight against her impressive chest. "I heard she wrote songs for Evanescence."

"Never heard of 'em," Ron said.

Hermione considered this for a moment. "Neither have I."

"We should be arriving at Hogwarts soon." Harry commented.

AND YOU'LL NEVER LOOK AT HOGWARTS THE SAME WAY AGAIN

"I would like to announce my pending engagement to Dobby."

Quietness settled over the large chamber. Dumbledore stood beaming, his hand in Dobby's. The silence was broken by a commotion at the professor's table. Hagrid rose quickly, his chair falling back, its clatter echoing through the Hall. Without a word he fled the room, blubbering as he ran. Professor Snape, who sat at the edge of the table close to the exit, rose slowly. He looked paler than usual. Gripping his throat he made a strangled sound as he stared at Dumbledore, a stricken look on his face. Turning, he swept out of the room, his robes billowing around him like wings. Blaise, sporting an impressive pair of breasts, rose from her seat beside Draco. She strode from the room, presumably off to find and comfort Snape.

Seemingly unaffected by the effect of his announcement, Dumbledore concluded, "A wedding date has not been set as yet, but we will keep you all up to date."

As Dumbledore sat Professor McGonagall rose and took his place at the podium. Her hands fluttering in front of her, she stammered, "We-we all w-wish you the b-best, Professor Dumbledore!" She applauded weakly, accompanied by only a few others.

Hermione turned to Ron. "Were you expecting that?"

"God, no. I could have sworn Dobby was in love with Harry."

"I'm sitting right here," Harry said from the other side of Ron.

Ignoring his bestfriend, Ron mused aloud, "I wonder why Hagrid left so suddenly."

Across the table Ginny shrugged. "Perhaps he was overcome with emotion."

Nodding, Ron replied, "Yes, Hagrid has always been extra emotional where Dumbledore was concerned."

Neville looked skeptical. "I don't think that's it."

**A COMEDY OF CLICHES**

"Hogwarts will be putting on a play at the end of the term," Professor McGonagall informed them. "Suggestions may be submitted to myself or Professor Flitwick."

**Jewel**  
April 19th, 2005


	2. Of Epiphanies and Badges

**A Comedy of Cliches  
A Harry Potter Fanfiction  
By Jewel**

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its characters were created by JK Rowling, and are copyrighted (©) to its rightful owners. There is no copyright infringement intended by this fanfic.

Set in 7th Year. Standard spoilers apply.

Summary: A Draco and Hermione romance full of cliches and hormones. Some crude and odd humor. Basically me using my weird wit to poke fun at some common Harry Potter 'fic plots.

_Chapter One:  
Of Epiphanies And Badges _

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl, and two more boys and a Greasy Git of a Potions Master who had an abnormal fascination with the Wise Headmaster. There was also a Werewolf, a Violent Tree and a Sex Fiend House Elf, but this is not their story. And there are appearances by the Gentle Giant and an Transgender Advice Giver, but this also is not a tale about them. This, Gentle Reader, is the story about a boy and girl, a Train, two more boys, a Broom Stick Closet, a Common Room, a Large Bat and a Nosy, Matchmaking Professor.

It all began the summer before Seventh Year. In a distant land known as Wiltshire resided a certain blond Slytherin. One bright and sunny morning the birds were happily chirping and the air was scented lilacs and Draco Malfoy awoke to a jarring, nerve-wrecking, mind-numbing, blood-pumping epiphany. He had been living a lie.

The past seventeen years hadn't really belonged to him. They had belonged to the body-snatchers, Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy (not necessarily in that order). But on this sunny summer morning Draco realized that he was wrong. His attitude towards muggles, mudbloods and the world in general had been completely askew.

And this soul-changing epiphany had been brought on by the life-altering realization that he loved Hermione Granger.

The last six years had been nothing more than his childish attempts to gain her attention. The hexing of her friends, the name-calling, the insults, the voyeurism, it had all been an effort to make her look and see beyond the smirk. See beyond the shiny blond hair and heart-stopping gray eyes. To see the real Draco Malfoy. The lonely child of selfish and evil and abusive parents.

This year, however, would be different. Draco realized as he hummed along to the birds' tune, that he would forever turn his back on his family and heritage. He would win Hermione's love and devotion. He would help defeat the Dark Lord and save the world. And, if there was time, have some amazing, soul-bonding sex.

Fate, despite being known as cruel, was decidedly on Draco's side. For that same morning, upon rising from bed and trotting downstairs to dutifully receive his morning whipping and beration from his father, received his letter from Hogwarts. Along with a school list there was the letter announcing that Draco would be Head Boy this year.

Head Boy would mean sharing a common room with the Head Girl. Who would most likely be one bushy-haired Know-It-All Gryffindor. Oh, Draco thought (swooning from either the idea or the blood loss from his beating), I will finally have the chance to make Hermione drool over my bulging muscles!

As it would happen, that same bright morning Hermione Granger was sitting in her parents' garden picking wild flowers and destroying them. I love Ron, she thought, picking off one petal from a yellow flower. No, she thought, picking off another petal, I love Harry. But wait, no, I love--

Her thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of a brown barn owl bearing a large package. With an undignified squeal Hermione jumped to her feet and expertly caught the package as the owl released it from its talons before it took to the air again. Hurriedly Hermione ripped open the package to find her latest supply of Frizz-Be-Gone Hair Potion and her dietary supplements guaranteed to giver her sexy curves to be drooled over.

Hermione was still dizzy with uncharacteristic joy when another owl delivered an official looking envelope. Along with the standard school list for students entering Seventh Year, a bright, shiny badge fell out the envelope.

"Mum! Mum!" Hermione yelled, running back into her house. "I've been made Head Girl!"

Hermione stopped short at the entrance to the living room. Her parents were lying on the floor, motionless. "Merlin's Kidneys!" Hermione cried, falling bonelessly to the floor. "They're dead! The Death Eaters have killed my parents! "

In a frenzy Hermione turned and ran to the foyer. "Lady Of The Lake's Ears! Now they're going to rape me! Dumbledore's Sweet Tooth! Where is my savior!"

"Hermione!" Her mother yelled. "Hermione, dear, what's all this noise you're making?"

"Who's here to rape you?" Her father bellowed, standing right behind Hermione's mother.

"Mum! Dad!" Hermione exclaimed, rushing over to pull them into a hug. "You're alive!"

"Well yes," answered her Father. "Why would you think we were dead?"

Hermione stepped back from her Parents. "You were both on the floor! And you weren't moving!"

"Oh, that," her Mother said, waving a hand dismissively. "My contact fell and your father was helping me looked for it. Then we were debating whether or not we should do something about the ceiling. I would much rather a mint green decor. What do you think, dear?"

Hermione merely smiled back happily. "I'm just happy that the Death Eaters didn't get you! And goodness, I shan't be raped!"

"I would bloody well hope not!" Hermione's father said, his face still red at the thought of his daughter being violated.

"Now, Hermione, is that what I think it is in your hand?" Her mother asked.

"Certainly not the shower head!" Hermione quickly said before realizing she was holding her Head Girl badge. "Oh, this. Right. I'm Head Girl!"

Later that afternoon the two aforementioned boys lounged in an empty room in the Black house. The two boys grinned at each other before whipping out their wands. No, Dear Reader, remove your mind from the lower bowels of the streets. The two boys were currently engaged in a Wizarding duel.

Predictably they both stopped at summons of Mrs. Weasley's shouts. "Boys! Oh boys! I need you both in here for a second!"

Putting their wands back into their pockets the boys followed Mrs. Weasley's excited shouts to the Kitchen. "Mum?"

"Oh, Ron! You've been made a prefect again!"

The red-haired Boy grinned and triumphantly grabbed the shiny badge from his mother's hand. "Yes! I'm a prefect! Another year of sharing a bathroom with Draco! Oh, those muscles!"

"Ron, you're drooling like a little school boy!" Harry Potter whispered to his friend. "And you said that last part too loudly."

Too dazzled by the utter shininess of his new badge, Ron ignored his best friend. Which suited Harry just fine as he turned back to Mrs. Weasley. Harry grinned broadly as he waited for the Head Boy badge.

"Harry, dear," Mrs. Weasley said, "Here's your school list."

Harry's face fell. "Don't I get a shiny badge, too?"

Ron scowled at this. "Oh Harry, can't you let me shine for once!"

"But I thought I would be Head Boy. And then Hermione would be Head Girl and I could share a common room with her," Harry said sadly. "Aww..."

"Don't you think I wanted that, too?" Ron asked. "She's sure to have bought that new potion for instant curves. Damnit, another year of having to spy on Dean's."

And thus, Gentle Reader, began our tale...

_.End Of Chapter One.  
_

Author's Notes:  
- Originally, this 'fic included random capitalization. However, it is extremely difficult to decide which words should be capitalized, and then comb through the 'fic and do so. It's even harder to take them out. So, for the sake of easier writing, I've done away with the random capitalization.  
- In the next exciting chapter: Riding on Trains With Boys!  
- I'm a review whore, so be sure to drop me line telling me how much you either loved or hated this chapter!

**Jewel **  
(Posted June 19th, 2005)  
(Chapter One revised on April 19th, 2005)  
(Chapter One originally written on July 21st, 2004)


	3. Riding On Trains With Boys

**A Comedy of Cliches  
A Harry Potter Fanfiction  
By Jewel**

Rated PG-13. Set in 7th year, no spoilers.

Standard disclaimer applies.

_Chapter Two:  
Riding On Trains With Boys _

Harry Potter paused in the train station to inhale the scent of urinals. Ah, how he did love the days when he returned to Hogwarts! Beside him was his best friend Ronald Weasley, who was pushing the trolleys. The two boys were about to enter Platform 9 3/4 when Ron suddenly stopped walking.

"Holy Broom Sticks, Harry! Do you see that sex goddess over there? Who is she?"

Harry turned to where Ron was pointing. Indeed the girl was hot. Long, sleek hair flowed down her back; tight robes clung to sexy curves... Harry could only fault Ron one reason for staring.

"Ron! That's your sister Ginny!"

"Ginny? But when did she get a body like that?" Ron asked, still staring bugged eyed at the petite redhead.

"I can't be sure, but it could be..." Harry's words trailed off as he caught sight of another sex kitten. Walking towards them with ample hips swinging and perky breasts swaying, was a girl with glossy brown hair and chocolately-cinnamon eyes.

"Now hold on, Harry," Ron interrupted. "She's not close enough yet for you to judge the color of her eyes."

"Yea, yea," Harry said distractedly, "But I just know her eyes will be the most breath-taking shade of hazel."

"What happened to chocolate?" Ron demanded. But then the sidekick got a clearer view of the brunette as she drew closer and the crowd thinned out. "Wait a second! Isn't that...? Yes, I'm sure it is!"

"Who, Ron? Who is it?" Harry asked breathlessly, ever anxious to find out the identity of his new soulmate.

"That's Crookshanks! Oh, this sexy, erection-inducing creature is Hermione!"

"No!" Harry gasped.

Meanwhile, Hermione was almost purring in delight at the effect she was having on the male population of the Train Station. When she had entered boys and men alike had tripped over each other to offer her their trolley to use.

Oh, Hermione thought, I could just kiss whoever invented those 'Sexy Curves' pills!

As Hermione's assets had increased, her robes had become tighter. But rather than replace them with new, looser robes, Hermione had decided that she rather liked having her new curves highlighted.

Who needs brains, she thought, when I now have such wonderful breasts!

Hermione flashed a big, bright smile as she came closer to her two bestest buds in the world. "Harry! Ron! I'm so happy to see you!"

She paused for a few seconds to consider the beefcakes in front of her. Summer really does make a difference! Harry was now much taller and much less scrawny. Oh, and even hotter! And Ron was even taller than Harry, with bigger biceps! I could swoon! Casting a glance down the length of Harry, Hermione stepped closer to him and whispered, "My, Harry, is that your wand or are you just as happy to see me?"

"Both, actually," Harry replied earnestly.

"Hermione!" Ron cut in; "The summer really was kind to you!"

Smiling, Hermione looped her arms through the two Boys' arms and continued walking to the Hogwarts Express. "Leave the bags," she instructed, "My army of sex slaves will get them."

Behind a pillar lurked Draco Malfoy. His eyes feasted hungrily on Hermione as she walked arm in arm with her boys. One look at her newly improved ass and Draco just knew, simply felt it in his soul, that he loved Hermione.

"Draco," Crabble whined, "When are we going to stop staring at the Mudblood?"

"Be quiet!" Draco hissed in response. "I want to be able to hear every word that falls from her beautiful lips!"

Glancing around to make sure no one saw him, Draco slipped behind another pillar and then another, following the Golden Trio as they entered Platform 9 3/4.

"Do you get the feeling that someone is following us?" Ron asked as the three friends boarded the train.

"Look at me, Ron! I'm stunning!" Hermione exclaimed. "Of course everyone is following us!"

"Er, well, 'Mione," Harry said, "I am kind of the arch-nemesis of Voldemort."

"Voldemort? He's old news!" Hermione retorted.

"And besides, Harry," Ron added, "Didn't you conveniently kill him in the sixth book?"

"Quite right, mate!" Harry suddenly remembered how he had defeated the Dark Lord the year before. "I did kill him good! And now I'm free to be promiscuous this year!"

Something about Harry and Ron's exchange nagged at Hermione. There was something she was forgetting. She was sure it was important. If only I could remember! But as quickly as the memory came to Hermione, it left as she caught sight of her reflection on a window.

"Oh dear! No, no, this hair will never do!" Hermione stood up and opened the door to the Trio's special compartment. "Excuse me, boys, I simply must change my robes and fix my hair."

"Change robes?" Harry asked with a puzzled expression. "But, Herm, we haven't even left the station as yet!"

"I was hoping to get a bit of snogging done with dean before I have to attend to my duties as Head Girl."

"Oh," both boys commented in unison.

When Hermione arrived at a changing room, she was quite dismayed to find a line. It seemed that everyone else was trying to squeeze in maximum snogging time. Hermione returned to the Trio's special compartment only to find Ron and Harry engaged in lewd acts. Ron was busy groping Lavendar while Harry stuck his tongue down Ginny's throat. Deciding not to interrupt her hormonal friends, Hermione sent in search of another changing room.

She hadn't gone more than two compartments before a mysterious hand shot out of an unnoticed closet. Hermione barely had time to gasp before she was pulled into a dark and small Closet.

"Hermione! My Love!" Her kidnapper cried. "Finally you are in my arms again!"

Hermione swatted at the roaming hands that tried to grope her. "Malfoy? What the hell are you doing?"

Draco gave a her a sloppy, wet kiss before letting go of her. He fished his wand out of his pocket and whispered, "_Lumos_."

"This isn't funny, Malfoy!" Hermione yelled, using the back of her hand to wipe her mouth.

"Don't tell me that you've forgotten already!" Draco exclaimed, clearly stricken.

Despite the dire situation at hand, Hermione couldn't contain her hormones enough to dismiss how hot Draco had become. Her eyes drank in the sight of his broad, wonderful shoulders. And his beautiful, artless hair that fell around those scrumptious shoulders. He was amazingly taller than Harry and Ron, and towered over Hermione.

"I told you to stay away from me," Hermione hissed, resisting the urge to leap on top of him and shag him to death.

"I know I said I would stay away, Hermione, but I can't!"

Draco grabbed her again for another icky but appealing Kiss. And suddenly all the memories of summer came flooding back to Hermione...

_.End of Chapter Two.  
_

Author's Note:  
- Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. Hopefully I won't take too long to post the next chapter, "Skipping Down Memory Lane."  
- My computer runs on reviews... no review, no computer, no more chapters. Just kidding! But seriously, reviews would be nice.

**Jewel **  
(Posted July 27th, 2005)  
(Chapter Two revised on April 19th, 2005)  
(Chapter Two originally written on August 4th, 2004)


	4. Skipping Down Memory Lane

**A Comedy of Cliches  
A Harry Potter Fanfiction  
By Jewel**

Rated PG-13. Set in 7th Year, no spoilers.

Standard disclaimer applies.

A big THANK YOU to all the wonderful people who left reviews! They were greatly appreciated. I'd also like to apologize for taking so long to update. Hopefully the next chapter will be out within a few weeks. Lastly, I must remind you that updates will always appear on my website before they show up anywhere else. FFN tests my patience, so I don't update here until I have the time and energy to do so.

We now return to our regularly scheduled 'fic...

_Chapter Three  
Skipping Down Memory Lane_

At the beginning of summer, Hermione had discovered a cousin she never knew existed. One sunny July morning, Hermione's cousin Cecile, who had until then conveniently lived in Italy, came knocking on the Grangers' door. Now, Cecile was a couple of years older than Hermione, and tended to walk on the wild side more than Hermione thought fun. But Hermione was tired of being a goody-two-shoes. And thus she decided to rebel.

Hermione's first step was to slather on a good amount of her Frizz-Be-Gone Potion. Her next step was to visit a local boutique and buy some well padded bras and a pair of leather pants. And so that night, armed with a red halter top, Hermione set out with her cousin to set the town on fire.

Cecile took Hermione to a small night club and ordered the first round of drinks. Deciding no none at Hogwarts would ever find out, and her reputation would never be blackened (thusly harming her chances at being Head Girl), Hermione put aside her doubts and started throwing back drinks.

Several shots of hard liquor later, Hermione decided she was sufficiently drunk enough to get onto the dance floor. Though when leering men swarmed around her, this Author could not in good conscience call it dancing so much clothed sex.

Soon Hermione was set upon by a tall, blond man. In the dim lighting of the club, however, Hermione could not see his face clearly. But when he pulled her into his big, strong arms for a dance, Hermione certainly liked everything she felt on him.

As you can imagine, Gentle Reader, one thing led to another thing, and soon Hermione and her mystery dance partner found themselves in a dark corner of the club. Heavy breathing ensued, as well as some moaning and, of course, lots of groping.

Unaccustomed to alcohol, however, Hermione soon realized she was not dizzy so much from her mystery man's roaming hands and mouth, so much as from all the liquor she had consumed.

And so it was great alarm that Hermione awoke the next morning in an unfamiliar hotel room in an unfamiliar location with a too-familiar arm anchoring her to a very warm body. Upon close Inspection, Hermione soon discovered, much to her horror, that she was in bed with none other than Draco Malfoy! Hermione screamed and tried to move off of the bed, but the arm remained firmly around Her waist.

"Let go of me!" Hermione insisted, struggling valiantly to wiggle out of the blond Slytherin's embrace.

"You're not going anywhere," Draco replied lazily. "You're my chosen mate. The Dark Lord had decreed, according to a lost prophecy, that you will be my bride and bear his heir."

"You're crazy!" Hermione exclaimed, renewing her struggle. "I'll never be your bride! Never, never!"

"Don't fight It, Hermione! You may already be pregnant with my child!"

Hermione curled her hands into fists and began hitting at Draco's magnificent chest. "You took advantage of me while I was drunk!"

Draco flashed her his deadly sexy, Slytherin-Bad-Boy smile. "Of course. Like you would have me while you were sober."

"I'll never be yours, Draco Malfoy! Never! Besides, after that pregnancy-scare with Severus last Easter, I've been taking a birth control potion."

"Severus!" Draco squawked, suddenly releasing her. "You were almost pregnant with Snape's child!"

Hermione blushed prettily, drawing a sheet up to her neck, recalling lovingly, her brief time with Severus Snape.

"It started last fall," she explained, staring resolutely at the blank wall opposite the bed. "I had been too defiant in class, you see, and so Severus gave me detention. And, well, I was super horny for no apparent reason other than I was the only virgin left at Hogwarts, and that night, while I scrubbed cauldrons and Snape graded essays, I couldn't help myself. You know what they say about his fingers. And that nose, it was just a glaring premonition for his huge--"

"Granger!" Draco yelled, clearly not wanting to hear the Potions Master's member described.

"Well it was just so hot in those dungeons, and I just crawled onto his desk, and then things got out of control." Hermione giggled; "Four times! God, that man fulfilled needs I never knew I had."

A look of pure disgust crossed Draco's handsome face, but he couldn't help asking, "Are you still seeing him?"

"No," Hermione said sadly. "I broke it off in May. I went to Dumbledore's office to talk to him about Harry, and I saw..." She broke off on a sob.

"What did you see?" Draco asked, like a spectator who couldn't take his eyes off the car crash.

"I saw him in the 69 position with the Head Master!"

"Oh!" Draco recoiled in shock, his world tilting.

"Yes," Hermione said, nodding her head. "My world lost all meaning that day."

"You've obviously been through enough," Draco said kindly. "I will take you home and never speak of this again."

Hermione looked at the pale boy, unsure how to feel. "Draco, I--"

Draco laid a finger against her lips. "It is alright, Love, I understand. You needn't say it. I know I am irresistible. But in time you will learn to be without me. For you are a mudblood and I... I am the Malfoy heir."

"No, Draco, I was going to say I drank way too much last night. I need to puke!"

_.End Of Chapter Three._

AUTHOR'S NOTES:  
- I must admit that Snape/Hermione is one of my guilty pleasures, so I thought I'd try to slip some in here. Honestly, if I get the chance I'll probably throw a bit more in.  
- More exciting cliches abound! Stay tuned for Chapter Four, "Wherein the Plot Appears!"

**Jewel  
**(Posted October 29th, 2005)  
(Chapter Three revised on April 19th, 2005)  
(Chapter Three originally written on August 4th, 2004)


	5. Wherein the Plot Appears

**A Comedy of Cliches  
A Harry Potter Fanfiction  
By Jewel**

Rated PG-13. Set in 7th Year, no spoilers.

Standard disclaimer applies.

Once again I'd just like to thank everyone who took the time to review. I really appreciate it, and it really does encourage me to write. Special thanks to "classicmovelover" for pointing out a grammatical mistake in the last chapter. It's been corrected.

_Chapter Four  
Wherein the Plot Appears_

After an hour of snogging in the random but convenient closet, Hermione pushed Draco away from her.

"It's been fun," she said, buttoning back up her robes. "Let's keep in touch."

Leaving Draco to clean himself up, Hermione went back to the compartment where she had left Ron and Harry. Lavender and Ginny had long since left and the two boys were measuring their wands. Upon Hermione's entrance they slipped their wands back into their pockets.

"Where've you been, Hermione?" Ron inquired.

Hermione sat beside Harry and rested her feet on the opposite bench. "Malfoy was hexing some third year Hufflepuffs."

"Lavender told us that there's a Seventh Year transfer student," Ron informed her. "Came over from the US. Really shiny, multi-colored hair."

"Oooh, what's her name?" Hermione asked.

Ron paused to think. "Sue, I think."

"No, Ron," Harry interrupted. "Her name's Mary."

"I can't wait to meet her," Hermione squealed. "I'm long over due for a new best friend. Ginny is rather unpopular among fanfiction writers. I do hope Mary, or Sue, or whatever her name is, listens to Good Charlotte!"

Harry shrugged, his glasses fogging up as he stared at Hermione's robes where they were too tight against her impressive chest. "I heard she wrote songs for Evanescence."

"Never heard of 'em," Ron said.

Hermione considered this for a moment. "Neither have I."

"We should be arriving at Hogwarts soon." Harry commented.

The words were barely out of Harry's mouth before the train pulled to a stop. Bounding out of her seat, her abnormally large breasts bouncing, Hermione waved to Harry and Ron. "I have to go oversee the first years. Save me a seat."

The Great Hall was crowded and excessively loud when Draco entered. Striding across the room, he took his usual seat beside Pansy and opposite Blaise. The former immediately began to simper, twirling her hair about as she babbled about her summer. Blaise, sporting a prostate tonight, smiled invitingly at Draco.

Draco returned the gesture with a little half smile of his own and took note to sit next to Crabble in the morning. Blaise was much more entertaining with a uterus. Turning his attention to the front of the room, Draco was in time to see McGonagall remove the Sorting Hat. Dumbledore rose from his seat and began his long speech. Scanning the professors seated at the high table, Draco noticed that Lupin was sitting beside Vector and Sprout. Next to Sprout was Snape. Eyeing the Potions professor with his greasy hair and hooked nose, Draco fought the violent urge to vomit. Quickly moving his gaze, Draco fixed his sight on Hagrid, who sat at the other end of the table. The half-giant seemed to be making "I love you" gestures to someone standing near to doorway. When Draco would have seen who the Oaf's love was, Dumbledore concluded his speech and invited everyone to eat.

After settling the Slytherins into bed, Draco trudged up from the dungeons to his new room. This year Dumbledore had decided to start a new tradition where the Head Boy and Girl would have private rooms away from their houses. They would have separate sleeping quarters, but share a bathroom and common room. Though if Draco was really lucky, that wouldn't be all the shared.

When he arrived at the entrance to the common room, which subsequently led to the other rooms, he saw Hermione standing beside Professor McGonagall.

"You're here at last!" She exclaimed. Drawing him close to Hermione she told them, "The password to your common room is 'cotton candy.' You may choose your own password for your room. Good night."

"That's it?" Draco asked as they stared at McGongall's retreating back. "No warnings against foul play? No threats to make peace and get along?"

Shrugging, Hermione said the password and entered the common room. It was decorated in Slytherin and Gryffindor colors, silver and green clashing horribly with gold and red. "Ah, shit," Hermione exclaimed. "Some blind House Elf got here first."

Whipping out his wand, Draco muttered a few words and sparks shot out the tip. Within seconds the room with decorated with pink walls, purple chairs and burgundy rugs and throw cushions.

"Pretty," Hermione said with a happy nod.

"So," Draco drawled, pocketing his wand and sidling closer to her. "What's the password to your room going to be?"

Hermione's eyes widened. "Oh, no. I'm not going to tell you."

"Fine," Draco muttered. "Don't trust me."

"Well HELLO," Hermione said, rolling her eyes, her brain wrestling control from her mammary glands for a few brief moments. "You're an evil Slytherin! You tried to seduce and impregnate me this summer! Your father is an evil Death Eater!"

Draco had the grace to look stricken. "I'm not my father! Sure, I may have inherited the stunning physique, and the shiny blond hair, but I'm not evil! And to prove that I've got nothing to hide, I'm going to tell you my password."

"Let me guess, is it 'mudblood'?"

"No. Why would I pick something that lame and predictable?"

"Well let's see, what else would a Slytherin choose? Fluffy kittens?"

"Laugh if you must, but it's 'prancing unicorns.'"

At this point in time Hermione fell to the floor in hysterical laughter, leaving Draco to mutter about stupid Gryffindors as he went to his bedroom.

Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor common room Ron and Harry and the other Seventh Year boys were talking to the transfer Student, Mary Seraphina Kali Sue. After her parents had tragically dropped dead, she had realized that far from being a spoiled brat with minimal writing talent, she was part witch, part Veela, part Mermaid. Fearing her potential power, Lord Voldemort had kidnapped her as a baby and sent her to live in New York. Now Professor Snape had adopted her and brought her to attend Hogwarts. Harry rather thought she looked a lot his mum.

As Mary told her story, the Gryffindor boys became increasingly sleepy. Eventually they fell asleep near the fireplace, leaving Mary all alone. Checking that she was truly alone, Mary tiptoed up to the Seventh Year boys' dormitory. There she began to systematically look through Harry's Trunk.

Grimacing as he pulled out a picture of a naked Draco Malfoy from between the pages of Harry's transfiguration textbook, Voldemort couldn't help but laugh a bit. In fact, he couldn't help giggling like the maniacal, evil wizard that he was.

...Which is how Neville woke up and found him.

Just kidding! No, seriously, Reader. Neville found Mary laughing as she dug through Harry's possessions.

"I was just looking for, uh, that is--"

"Whatever, dude," Neville replied. "Most girls just grab some socks or knickers and use that to build their shrines."

Nodding, Mary backed out the room and stumbled back down the stairs to the common room. That had been close! From now on Voldemort would have to be more careful. Especially of that handsome Longbottom devil!

.End Of Chapter Four.

AUTHOR'S NOTES:  
- I finally introduced the plot! I don't intend for this to be a string of clichés with no plot. I can't write that way. And if you read closely enough you'd have noticed several bits of foreshadowing for future chapters.  
- If parts of this chapter were not subtle enough in the obvious satirical manner meant, then I apologize. Especially if Mary was introduced in such an 'in your face' obvious way. Yes, I do harbor a resentfulness against Mary-Sues.  
- Don't fear that I'm running out of clichés! Next up: Meddling Professors!  
- And don't forget to review, review, review!

**Jewel  
**(Posted November 25th, 2005)  
(Chapter Four revised on April 19th, 2005)  
(Chapter Four originally written on January 1st, 2005)


	6. Meddling Professors

**_A Comedy of Cliches  
A Harry Potter Fanfiction  
By Jewel_**

_Rated PG-13. Set in 7th Year, no spoilers._

_Standard disclaimer applies._

I'd like to say a nice, big THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to review; it really means a lot to me.

**PLEASE READ: Although I plan to explain about Mary in full detail in chapter seven, recent confusion among readersmakes it necessary to explain theMary Voldemort connection. The short hand is that Mary has been possessed by Voldemort and does his bidding because she has no choice. I hope that's enough to tide everyone over until chapter 7.**

_Chapter Five:  
Meddling Professors_

The first two weeks of school went by rather uneventfully. Hogwarts's students fell into the comfortable pattern of classes and the Head Boy and Girl came to a truce of sorts. One bright morning Draco entered the Great Hall for breakfast with a feeling of joy. He was even whistling a jaunty tune, having five minutes ago finished masturbating to the sound of Hermione's morning bath.

His cheery tune was quickly interrupted by the sight of Blaise and Professor Vector arguing, rather loudly, near the professors' table. Draco inched closer to the heated quarrel, starved for some good gossip to share in the Quidditch locker room.

"You can't just leave me, Blaise! I gave you the best two weeks of my life!" Professor Vector near screamed.

Much more composed, Blaise, still sporting a Penis, arched an elegant Slytherin brow. "And it was a great two weeks, Professor. But it's over now."

"Found greener pastures, have you?" The Arithmancy professor asked bitterly, her lip trembling as she suppressed her tears.

"Something like that," Blaise murmured, his eyes straying to the table next to him. His gaze caught on Professor Snape, who was eating his morning porridge, oblivious to what was going on.

Finally succumbing to her tears, Professor Vector fled the room weeping, almost knocking over Mary as the new student entered.

Hair sufficiently shiny, and white teeth sparkling, Mary sashayed over to Draco. Smiling and flipping her pink and green hair over her narrow shoulders, Mary batted her long eye lashes at Draco. In the two weeks since classes had started, the transfer student alternated her attention between the Head Boy and the Boy Who Lived. Draco was getting rather tired of it, but with Hermione holding out on sex, and Pansy looking more and more like a pug each year, Draco needed some release.

Draco took a step back to avoid touching Mary, but he only succeeded in bumping into someone. Spinning around, he saw that it was Blaise. Shrieking like a little school boy, Draco quickly retreated to the Slytherin table and took a seat between Crabble and Goyle. It was from there that he spied Hermione enter the Great Hall with Potter. Draco snarled. The slobbering idiot, whose only claim to fame was the mistake of living, wasn't even pretending to not notice Hermione's considerable charms. For her part, the Head Girl was giggling at everything the scarred prat said. The Weasel trailed in behind them, scowling.

His good mood completely ruined, Draco spent the remainder of the morning with a cranky disposition. Between Double Potions and lunch he hexed three second year Gryffindors and made a fourth year Hufflepuff cry. By the time Tuesday afternoon's Arthimancy lesson came, Snape had to talk a first year Slytherin out of Moaning Myrtle's Bathroom by convincing him that Draco couldn't assign detention in the Dark Forest simply because he had made the mistake of making eye contact with Draco in the Great Hall.

Arthimancy class only made Draco feel slightly better. Still upset over being dumped by Blaise, Professor Vector's usually pleasant demeanor had mutated into that of an amateur Snape. When Hermione had dared to question the total obscurity of the homework assignment, Professor Vector assigned her ten extra scrolls of homework. Draco then struck gold by snickering. Turing on the blond boy, Professor Vector informed Draco that he would help Miss Granger with her twenty scroll research.

Caught between elation at having an excuse to spend more time with Hermione, and horror at having to research some arcane nonsense and write a twenty scroll report, Draco missed the dark look Hermione threw him.

Hermione was angry. Draco had totally ruined her fun! For a full two seconds she had been looking forward to immersing herself in research for the rest of the night. And then that idiot had gone and gotten himself assigned to help her. As if she needed his help!

"I need that book," she said, holding out her hand to Draco.

"I'm not done with it," he replied, not looking up from the dark leather bound book he was reading.

Hogwarts's Head Boy and Girl were sitting in the library. The table between them was littered with books on the unimportant topic Professor Vector had assigned them to research.

"Don't be so difficult!" Hermione snapped, reaching across the expansive oak desk to grab the tome from him.

"Aggressive, aren't you?" Draco taunted. "Potter not satisfying you?"

Hermione blushed. "That's none of your business, Malfoy."

Draco shrugged, picking up another dusty book. "All I know is that you were never this angry when you were with me."

"We were 'together' only one night! And I was drunk!"

"What about the train?" Draco retorted.

"Harry's not making any moves," Hermione said abruptly. She put the book she had snatched from him on the table. Drawing her legs up on the chair and resting her chin on her knees, Hermione continued. "I know he's lusting after me, he keeps staring at my chest. But he won't say anything! He hasn't even tried to kiss me!"

Draco was utterly disgusted. But despite his better sense, he found himself asking, "Why don't you make the first move?"

"I don't know how," Hermione mumbled. Suddenly she looked up at him. "This might sound a bit crazy, but promise you'll think about it."

Out of curiosity Draco promised.

"Will you teach me how to seduce someone?"

"What's in it for me?" Draco asked

"The benefits of everything I learn while you're my teacher."

Without further consideration Draco agreed, ideas already racing through his head. He would find a way to make sure she never used any of her talents on Potter. Never!

With half their research done, Draco and Hermione called it a night and went to the Great Hall for dinner. Their late arrival went unnoticed as everyone's attention was fixed on the Headmaster. Professor Dumbledore stood at the head of the room, the Malfoy's former house else standing next to him.

"...So, with that said," Professor Dumbledore said, "I would like to announce my pending engagement to Dobby."

Quietness settled over the large chamber. Dumbledore stood beaming, his hand in Dobby's. The silence was broken by a commotion at the professor's table. Hagrid rose quickly, his chair falling back, its clatter echoing through the Hall. Without a word he fled the room, blubbering as he ran. Professor Snape, who sat at the edge of the table close to the exit, rose slowly. He looked paler than usual. Gripping his throat he made a strangled sound as he stared at Dumbledore, a stricken look on his face. Turning, he swept out of the room, his robes billowing around him like wings. Blaise, sporting an impressive pair of breasts, rose from her seat beside Draco. She strode from the room, presumably off to find and comfort Snape.

Seemingly unaffected by the effect of his announcement, Dumbledore concluded, "A wedding date has not been set as yet, but we will keep you all up to date."

As Dumbledore sat Professor McGonagall rose and took his place at the podium. Her hands fluttering in front of her, she stammered, "We-we all w-wish you the b-best, Professor Dumbledore!" She applauded weakly, accompanied by only a few others. "Um, well," she continued. "This now seems like a rather inappropriate time to mention that Hogwarts will be putting on a play at the end of the term. Suggestions may be submitted to myself or Professor Flitwick."

Hermione turned to Ron. "Were you expecting that?"

"God, no. I could have sworn Dobby was in love with Harry."

"I'm sitting right here," Harry said from the other side of Ron.

Ignoring his bestfriend, Ron mused aloud, "I wonder why Hagrid left so suddenly."

Across the table Ginny shrugged. "Perhaps he was overcome with emotion."

Nodding, Ron replied, "Yes, Hagrid has always been extra emotional where Dumbledore was concerned."

Neville looked skeptical. "I don't think that's it."

From beside him Mary quipped, "No one really cares anyway. Neville, will you help me with my Potions homework?"

"Uh, well, Mary, I'm really not the best person for that."

Tuning out the transfer student and Neville's stammering, Harry looked at Hermione. "Why were you late to dinner?"

"I was in the library," she said. "I had some extra Arthimancy homework."

"Are you coming back the Gryffindor common room tonight?"

"No, she's not," a voice answered from behind the Trio.

Harry turned to scowl at the Slytherin standing behind him. "I wasn't asking you, Malfoy."

"Hermione and I have business to attend to tonight, if you catch my drift, Potter."

Standing up, Hermione situated herself between the two boys. "Now, now, boys. No fighting. Harry, Draco and I have to finish our Arthimancy project. Malfoy, babe, don't be an asshole."

Scowling, Draco turned away from the Gryffindor table and stormed out of the Great Hall.

Sighing, Hermione bade good night to her friends. "I'd better follow him before he kills some poor Hufflepuff."

Hurrying to catch up to Draco, Hermione's attention was diverted by a shiny object in a dark corner. Hermione reached down and picked up the small, gold object. Upon closer inspect she realized it was a time turner. Before Hermione could ponder what it meant, she was swept up in a magical tornado.

Stepping out of the dark corner, Mary smiled. The mudblood had fallen for the trap! With the big breasted, sleek haired know-it-all out of the way there was nothing standing between Mary and Harry.

Just when Voldemort would have giggled like the evil wizard he was, Neville came out of the Great Hall.

"Are you coming or not, Mary?"

Well, there's nothing else I can do tonight. With that thought Mary ran up to Neville. "Let's go, big boy."

.End of Chapter Five.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
- I'm sorry this took so long to get out. The story is now planned out for nine more parts, so hopefully I can stick to a schedule and outline and get chapters out in a more timely fashion.  
- In the next exciting chapter I get to add a bit more of Snape/Hermione fun in: A Dash of Time Travel!

Jewel  
(Posted February 6th, 2006)  
(Chapter Five originally written on April 18th, 2005)


End file.
